Thursday, November 10, 2011

Mommy needs a minute and maybe a box of brownies...

Hey there it's me SDM. Wanna chat? Good because while I've not been blogging I have been having a moment. I can't point to one particular event that has caused me to not be on but...oh, 100's of tiny little events that are now the size of a mushroom cloud!

So, just today let me tell you the kids came home early, half day of school and all that fun stuff. It's always so exciting to me to have my children get a half day of school. It's like the school is punishing me, they just sit back and laugh at all the parents out there. You know they are! I put the kids on the bus at 8:40 they get home at 12. What the hell is the point of that? They don't start until 9 really and dismissal is at 11:45. Really...really...two and a half hours of school? It's just enough time for me to get doing something and have to stop to run back to the damn bus stop! Listen, keep my kids or don't but cut the half day crap, it's just irritating! I'm not angry I just think it's funny that you bring 400 kids to school just to turn around and put 400 kids back on the bus and send them home again. What did you really accomplish there?

Anyway, I do nothing this morning because hey what's the point right? I know you're laughing because I am laughing at my totally plausible excuse for when Mr. SDM gets home to find the house a disaster and me still in my jammies! So, while I am doing nothing, OMG is having her very own food festival. Oh, by the way I am actually doing things, in case you were concerned I had gone back to bed on my toddler. So, food festival, yeah, OMG has learned to open the fridge by herself recently and can now reach anything and everything that looks remotely like food. What, you ask might be in my fridge that's not food? Well, let's just say I haven't done a lot of grocery shopping since that last encounter, where I all but promised the store I wouldn't come back, so some things might actually be food but we awaiting the results of testing. Also, there are condiments (ketchup, mustard...get your mind out of the gutter folks), milk, soda and beer. Yup, there's beer in my house! Anyway, OMG loves to pick out the jelly for some reason. She gets out the squirtable jelly and while I am calmly making the bed, decided to squirt it all over the table and then play in it. I don't know this at first, so upstairs she comes, COVERED in red jelly, and of course I am like OMG OMG what happened, I thought she was bleeding. Yeah, I totally did! I run to look her over and realize oh, yeah it's freakin jelly, I can hardly wait for what downstairs must look like. So off I go and yup, there's the table completely covered in red jelly, oh but wait...there's your face off (the dog) is licking the table clean. THIS IS SO GROSS!

That was one thing, but that's not all that happened around here. Oh no. I just want to know am I ever going to have peace and freakin quiet again? Just saying, because holy cow if I hear MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM again at 300 decibels I might lose it! First of all I have to say I love my little MH more than life, but that child just does not stop EVER. And, it's not so much that she talks, it's that she asks constant questions, just constant, ear splitting, no good answer for a 6 year old questions. Let me help you understand...

"Mom, where do babies come from..."
"Mommies tummies"
"No but like before before they get in the tummies, how do they get in there?"


"Mom can I have a friend over"
"Not today MH I don't feel good (insert any reason here, I generally have a good reason I ALWAYS allow my children to have friends over)"
2 minutes later...
"Mom can I have a friend over"
REPEAT 20 times.


"Mom MM touched me (insert anything, truly ANYTHING here, looked at, touched, smiled at, breathed on)" and then insert a scream and a never ending cry.

So, you get me when I say this is like never ending. Well, now she's reading and my goodness I just love her for it but good Lord could she just not have to read every book in the house all day long? I mean I know I am about the worst mom in the world right now for saying that. BUT mommy needs some downtime sweetie! Plus hearing Pinkalicious for the 250th time I am pretty good with not doing that! I got it, good moral, get what you get and don't get upset. Yup, we're good! Thanks. BEDTIME!

Oh boy, so my little loves have been driving me a little nuts but it's just part of the reason I love them! So one day when MH's little girl reads her a story for the 400th time I can laugh and say yup I have been there honey!

Off to find my brownies (don't judge me :))

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The SDM and the toy store...

So first I told you all about our little trip to the grocery store but what I didn't tell you was what happened when I took all the kids to the toy store right after that...

I followed up our awesome trip to the grocery store with a trip to the toy store last night. I know what you're thinking. Why in God's name would you take the kids to the toy store after that debacle at the grocery store? Well...because they behaved so awesomely!

So, I am about at the migraine level before we even pull into the parking lot. I should have known this would be good before I even started. I attempt to walk all three girls into the toy store, but OMG is not having the walking bit, she decides she is going to run across the parking lot of the store. I am yelling OMG STOP!!! She is turning her head back and forth not a care in the world all while yelling back at me "no stop mama is running, see me running." Hell yes I see you running in the parking lot and so does the woman calling CPS on the damn cell phone so could you please STOP before a car hits you and mommy goes to jail! Ok, there was probably no one calling CPS on the phone, but still I need to get this child under control. I am now running after her while the other two try to catch up to us as I have now abandoned them to the perils of the parking lot in an attempt to catch the little one. Oh for God sakes let's all just quietly get back in the car and let mommy get some Advil!

You'll be happy to know we all make it into the store. Where OMG promptly decides that she is going to touch every toy she sees. It is a VERY large toy store, this quick trip is going to take a while. I bribe her with the most giant lollipop I can find to move it along. What bribing children with lollipops is wrong? I suppose a small tree of broccoli would have been better but the toy store doesn't sell those so we are all set with the lolli. Now, the big girls are going to choose a toy. This is like the biggest joke ever played on parents let me tell you because a 6 and 8 year old trying to choose a toy is the most fun and time consuming thing they can possibly imagine. It's like giving me money and telling me to buy clothes in my favorite store. Sure, I could buy this sweater, but I also like that surely know what I am talking about here. In all this fun toy madness MH decides she has to go potty um, RIGHT NOW. So, in all my infinite wisdom I let MM take her (WTH we are close and dragging three kids to a stinky potty in the toy store is not my idea of a good time). Anyway, I put OMG in a mini Cadillac Escalade to wait. It is on display. HOLY CRAP, kid loves the car! She acts like she's Mario Andretti. She is playing with the radio, moving the wheel. It is just adorable. And then...I hear it faintly...then louder..."Mom, that bathroom STINKS!!! Someone pooped big time in there." Yup all the way from one end of the store to the other my child is calling someone out. So, if you pooped in this lovely toy store last night we caught ya! Fantastic. I shush her, because it is rude, yet completely hysterical that she is calling someone out on their stinky poop.

In the meantime, while in the bathroom, she has decided which toy she would like and amazingly it is right in front of us! The heavens must have opened for me. Ok, perfect. I pull OMG out of the car, wait let me rephrase that, I ATTEMPT to pull her out because she has decided that the car is now hers and she is not leaving the $350 car behind. I manage to drag the child, now screaming, and when I say screaming I MEAN SCREAMING, out of the car. Only to have MM ask for 3 more toys, MH ask if she can overspend her money and look for another toy and lose her gift card. Oh and MH is now crying over the lost gift card. Ok, I handle all of this by what miracle I don't know. We proceed to the checkout and I can either wait behind two women with $500 in merchandise a piece OR a woman paying 3 different ways making BFF's with the cashier and filling her in on the inventory in the store. By the way OMG still is screaming over the car. So, I decide on BFF lady. I now have to pay with a screaming baby in my arms, I have 5 different ways to pay and 2 huge bags. I looked at the cashier and told her straight out "I'm leaving your store now I won't be back until Christmas." I think I heard her sigh with relief. I know I did!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The grocery store gets a visit from the SDM and family...

Hey everyone,

So, I've been gone for a while now. Not that I have too many followers (hint, hint)! I was having some computer issues but they are all fixed now and my life hasn't been too funny lately, that was until I decided to take a trip to the grocery store...

Ah the grocery store...a place where noise and smells assault your senses. What you don't normally expect is my child to literally assault you while you shop. My little OMG she's such a cutie.

We started this little excursion with a promise, from me that if my children behaved through the whole shopping trip I would take them to the toy store to spend money they already had. Ok, strike one for the SDM! Who does that? What was I thinking? I was thinking that my children are quite possibly the most entertaining yet most misbehaved children to ever walk the aisles at said store and that I would sell my left arm if they would just behave for 5.3 seconds. So, I made the ill fated promise of the toy store. In we go...


We make it to produce, the VERY first section, but barely, you see my little MH (mini-hubby) likes to day dream in the grocery store and while she does this she dances around my cart. She pays absolutely no attention whatsoever to ANYTHING or ANYONE who may be anywhere within 10 feet of her. We have near collisions with a beeping motorized cart, a table full of tomatoes and a very unhappy teenage girl. I apologize profusely and remind her she needs to be mindful of where she is, she says ok mom, I forgot, I like to dance and I think these people like my Irish skipping. OY!!! I tell her one of the people was a table full of tomatoes but she doesn't hear me because she is now begging for candy apples covered in nuts, (which by the way she doesn't even like) and of course Irish skipping taking out a full row of caramel dip.

On to the deli...

We have to order our sandwich meat at the deli counter. The extremely kind and very patient lady behind the counter asks if we would like to sample any. I ask for ham and turkey a piece for each child. Well, OMG decides she wants cheese. They didn't give me cheese. OMG, OMG is just not having that, she looked at the very wonderful deli lady and screamed in her face "I SAY CHEESE NOT HAM." I again apologize and thank her for the ham and now cheese and walk away as fast as possible. This is seriously starting to give me a migraine.

The soup aisle...

I am in the soup aisle and I am just trying to find my husband some God forsaken soup that he asked me to get. I can't find it and I am steering a huge cart filled with groceries. I have three insane children. OMG is screaming for the "choo choo" that runs through the store over head, MH is dancing around the cart and MM is asking me if we have enough ketchup to feed the entire state of Kansas. I turn around a this woman is literally following me down the aisle, just following me! I turn around there she is, I pull my cart forward, there she is again. I have had it at this point. I ask her "do you need me to move?" What does this sweet looking elderly woman tell me: "No, I'm enjoying the show". I about died right there!!!

The canned food aisle and the BEST part...

So we have made it almost through the entire store when...OMG finds a can of Dora Spaghetti O's she must have. Not only must she have them, she must hold them, in her hand in the aluminum can in the hands of volatile 2 year old, complete disaster in the making. So, I let her hold the can, oh you know I did, it was not worth the screaming! OMG proceeds to throw the full can at random people we pass in the aisles. There appears to be no rhyme or reason to who gets the can tossed at them, just complete randomness. I am laughing like a damn hyena on the inside while completely discipling on the outside.

I must get out of this store!! I check out. And you will never believe that because their behavior was so good we headed right to the toy store after this. Imagine what happens when they are naughty...

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

OMG Where is your...?

Let me first set the scene...

I am trying to clean my house today because I have people coming over later and I want my house to look perfect.  Why?  I don't know being that these are mommy friends who probably have houses that look just like mine but, whatever, I am in DefCon 3 cleaning mode.

I recently changed OMG, because we still haven't gotten the hang of that whole potty training thing.  We, also haven't gotten the hang of the whole getting rid of the bottle thing, but let's save that for another post.  So, I just changed OMG into a new diaper, I am running out of diapers by the way and you'll see why in a minute.

There I am cleaning away, I have gotten my whole upstairs cleaned.  Dusted, vacuumed the whole thing.  I am so proud of myself.  No more half empty water cups hanging out by the bunk beds in the girl's room.  Dog hair all gone.  This is big.  I am now working downstairs.  I had about a million blocks to clean up.  I do not exaggerate here.  I literally had enough blocks on my floor to build the Eiffel Tower.  Well, down comes OMG in her very long shirt dress and decides she wants a cookie.  OMG knows how to open baby locks like Houdini.  Nothing can come between this child and her cookies, believe me!  We have a 130 pound dog that looks like it might eat your face off she looks at her like if you come between me and this cookie I will take you down!  So, while I am putting the Eiffel Tower into block bags tiny Houdini gets herself a cookie and walks her little self into the play room.  Ok not the best choice for a snack but she had lunch so I am ok with it. She  walks all around eats the half the cookie feeds half to said monster dog and everyone is happy.  Or so I think...

She then decides she wants a pretzel, she's two and apparently has become an human vacuum.  Fine one pretzel.  Hand it off.  She runs back to the play room.  In I go I am totally going to finish cleaning now!  When...wait a minute...OMG has no diaper on!!!  WTH!  Nope she is just hanging out in the open lounging back chopping on a pretzel without a care in the world.  Now, let's go back to the beginning where I said she ISN'T potty trained!  So now I have to run around the house in search of the offending diaper because she took it off herself!

This is cute, if it happened once.  But, OMG takes her diaper off when it suits her, which is about every 10-15 minutes lately.  I am going through diapers like water.  Although at least this time it was dry, unlike the time she pooped and came running.  Oh, and to add insult to injury on that one we couldn't find the poop.  Yeah.  No.  I get it.  You heard me right we couldn't find the poop.  There was poop on the heiney but an empty diaper.  Anyone want to take a guess at that one?  Yeah me neither.  Although I think the monster dog may have been involved.  Ok, I am off to work on cleaning and perhaps a little potty training?

Have a sparkly day,

Friday, September 30, 2011

Why Dora and Max and Ruby sometimes babysit.

Hey everyone,

So, I don't know how many others of you out there are honest enough to say sometimes Nick Jr. or Disney or some other cartoon nonsense babysit my child or children but let me be the first to raise my hand. Yup, Dora and Max and Ruby have come in handy a time or two or let's be honest here 12. Does that make me a bad mama? I don't think so.

Here's the scenario, I need a shower (badly I might add, because it's now 3pm and MM and MH get off the bus in 30 minutes and I can't show up at the bus stop wearing the same PJ's I had this morning, well I could but I risk being talked about). So, it's 3pm and I need a shower, here are my choices, a. don't shower and show up at said bus stop in aforementioned jammies, with hair greasier than a frying pan with 2 day old bacon grease hanging out in it, b. take OMG into the shower with me and prepare for the drama that will cause, namely soap all over the place, a VERY slippery 2 year old who screams when she gets her hair washed and tries to eat my shaving cream which leaves my leg hair looking like a cross between a gorilla and my dog or c. throw on some Max and Ruby and pop off a quick and painless 10 minute shower. Yeah, I went with c. chalk up 10 minutes of TV time for my 2 year old. Uh-oh the experts won't like that!

Shoot, I am totally out of clean socks for MM and MH oh and Mr. SDM! Laundry time...that's just spectacular, laundry is one of my favorite activities. So, on goes Dora and off I go to the basement for some quality time with the washing machine. Then it's back upstairs to fold and put away the piles of laundry...15 more minutes... Oh who am I kidding she watched all 22 minutes of that episode. Now we are up to 32 minutes of TV time and it's only half way through the day! I am going straight to parenting hell. Worst mom ever!

Ok, well now I get to make dinner and everyone is home. MM needs homework help, MH needs to just yell at me, apparently I have not met her needs for the day (welcome to my world sweetie), and OMG has not napped (yet again!). It is like a darn circus show around here what is a mama to do? I'll tell you a little secret...lean in close for this one...I put on Peppa Pig. Yup, that's what I did folks. I put on the EVIL TV. 22 more minutes of a TV show, but everyone is calmed down and dinner is started and homework is done. We are up to 54 minutes of TV time but I am a calm mama and the kids are no longer screaming...I am totally ok with this! Experts be damned!

Bedtime, and guess what all the kids want the TV on again. I know what you're saying, surely after 54 minutes she will not let them watch TV again today. BZZZZZZ, wrong! After MM and MH have story time they are totally allowed to watch TV one more time. As for OMG she also gets one more TV show, her favorite! All while Mr. SDM and I read and put MM and MH to bed. Then while OMG falls asleep I watch TV, it's finally my turn to catch up on something other than what's going on with Dora, although yay for her, twin babies in her family, she grew up apparently and even got to see Shakira.

Yeah, we are a TV household. Yes, I sometimes I am about to throw it out the damn window. I can't stand another teeny bopper show about nothing. I get to be so over it. But, there are days where the TV is my best friend. I want to hug it while I fall asleep and say "thank you TV, you did some of your best work today." Those days, the experts who probably have never had three screaming children, running in circles around their legs asking for just 2 more cookies before dinner, can kiss my heiney. I will proudly turn the TV on and let the kids zone out for 22 minutes while I grasp for a sense of peace and quiet or a chance to cook them some frozen chicken nuggets for dinner (Martha Stewart I am not!). Just kidding I am way more likely to buy MacDonald's!

Have a sweet night,

First post yay for me!

Hey welcome to my blog. If your reading this you must have thought my header was funny. Perfect!

Let me start by telling you I am so not a cup of happy mommy. I mean I am a happy mommy, I absolutely love my three girls, they are my whole life. However, I am not a rose colored glasses mom. My life isn't perfect, my OMG sometimes pees right out of her diaper (Holy crap didn't I just change you??)! My MH throws tantrums any 2 year old would be super proud of, so what if she's 6? And my MM well, she is a perfectionist, what's wrong with that you ask? Well, nothing except that one math problem wrong equals a tear fest. Mr. Stripped Down Mama, well he doesn't get enough of my time either, because I am usually dealing with either a poop, pee or tears that don't quite want to stop. Sound like your life? Yeah I bet it does! You're not alone!!!

That's why I am the Stripped Down Mama! Nothing held back here. I don't want this blog to be about all the happy, there are enough of those "I can do it all with a big, happy smile on my face." "Isn't my kid the smartest, cutest, does nothing wrongest" mama's out there. Let's see the real deal! The holy sh*t "I can't even take one more second of this screaming or I'm going insane" mamas. The "OMG I do not have one more set of clean sheets in my house because my kids have either puked or peed through all of them and I'm too tired to clean them and so I just put the wrong size one on the bed and tucked it in at 1am" mamas! I am your girl!

I won't even make it all about the kids, because let's face it girls (and boys) it's not just about the kids. Our Mr.'s are right there with them. LOL! I just want to snuggle turns into "hey baby" (read like Joey from "Friends"). Yup, just like my house. Now, disrespect to my loving and hardworking Mr. SDM, but a little cuddle goes a long way mister just remember that!

So, I hope you like what you read and decide to follow me because I am not an angry mama, just a funny (I am taking a lot of liberty with that) mama. I think a lot of people can relate to what I have to say. I hope you do!

Have a super day!